My desire secrets

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Yes! No matter how well you know your guy (or think you do), there are things he's never gonna share. What's he hiding? Find out here then learn how to deal


When you first start dating a guy, it makes sense that he would conceal stuff he's not particularly proud of his disorderly apartment, his hairy back, his mother's daily phone calls. But by the time you're a serious couple maybe even living together you probably assume you know your bedmate's every last habit, flaw, and idiosyncrasy. Don't be so sure.

According to new research published in The Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, one in 10 men are harboring serious sex secrets of one kind or another. "There are two kinds of secrets guys keep," says Les Parrott, author of Crazy Good Sex. "Things they wish their wives or girlfriends would understand but are scared they won't, and things they're just plain trying to get away with."

With that in mind, we polled hundreds of men to learn what they hide at each stage in a relationship and enlisted experts to offer their insights. We discovered there's a decent chance your man is keeping at least one dirty secret. Read on to find out what, if anything, you should do about this potentially huge relationship issue.

When You're Dating...

What he's hiding: The number of women he's had sex with
Some men exaggerate to sound more sexually experienced; others lowball so you don't dismiss them as players. "Men know that if they confess to a large number of partners, it sends the message that they're unlikely to commit to one. That is, to you," says David Buss, a professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin and author of The Evolution of Desire.

What you should do Take him at his word, but protect yourself. Be vigilant about using a condom every time you have sex—at least until you've both been tested for STDs and you feel secure that you're in a committed relationship. If you do somehow discover that he's deceived you about his sexual history, get it out in the open, but give him a chance to explain. "He could have fibbed out of embarrassment, insecurity, or sincere interest in you," says Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman.

What he's hiding: He looks at porn—maybe a lot
According to a study at Brigham Young University, 87 percent of men have looked at some form of porn in the past year, and one in five help themselves to X-rated fare daily. Men like to look at naked chicks—no surprise there—but what is shocking is how quickly they can become dependent on those erotic images. A powerful pleasure cocktail of endorphins and epinephrine (hormones responsible for arousal and alertness) are released while a man watches porn, Parrott says. And that feeling can become addictive.

What you should do Occasional porn isn't the problem; it only becomes a wrecking ball when it starts to intrude on your sex life together. "The two big questions are 'Is it interfering with your life and relationship?' and 'Is he using it to avoid something?'" says sex therapist Sandor Gardos, Ph.D. If he actively hides his material and makes excuses to avoid having sex, be concerned.

Broach the subject when you're calm and rational. "Angry accusations never go over well," Gardos says. Another tactic: Suggest watching together. "It becomes compulsive when he feels like he has to hide it," he says. So if you're willing to share it with him, you'll take the compulsion out of the equation. Plus, experts say, viewing erotic images together can enhance your sex life.


What he's hiding: He compares you to his last girlfriend
It's true: Your guy whips out his ex ruler and measures everything about you: your looks, your bedroom abilities, how well you get along with his friends. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. "It's normal to make comparisons, and an ex is his most recent reference point," says Christopher Blazina, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology at Tennessee State University.

What you should do Nothing. He'll inevitably come to the conclusion that you blow away anyone else he's ever been with, and the silent comparathon raging in his mind will cease. When you should do something: if he frequently blurts out things like "My ex always..." or "My last girlfriend never..." It's not necessarily a sign that he hasn't gotten over her, but it can still be hurtful, Blazina says. When that happens, it's fair to tell him, for example, that you don't want him bringing up the details of their trip to Mexico. Chances are, he's not even aware he's been doing it and will be happy to stop.

There are a few basic truths which you should be aware of if you want a successful relationship. Having this knowledge will enable you to transform a mediocre relationship into something deeply satisfying. Although these truths are founded in common-sense, it's as though they've been forever locked away in a vault for only the lucky few to access. It's time to share these secrets with everyone.

The first secret is to give up living in hopeful fantasy and to see and accept your partner for who they really are. If this new clarity means that you discover some intolerable or unacceptable behaviors or attitudes on their part, then don't waste anyone's time and just walk away. Knowing the truth gives you the power to take good care of yourself. You'll be avoiding a whole lot of misery in this way.

You also need to know that your partner fully sees and accepts you as you are. There's no point in presenting a "cleaned up" version of yourself to them because then the person that they're loving isn't the real you. You can never feel truly loved if you're showing them an inauthentic self. If you've shown your true self to your partner and they can't accept it, again, walk away. Nothing's going to change.

The second secret in successful romance is not to make your partner responsible for giving your life meaning. Both people should be complete beings; each with their own life, friends and attitudes. You should complement each-other rather than complete each-other. Each person needs to bring something of value to the table, and you must remain separate and distinct individuals while developing your connection.

Becoming overly-enmeshed and giving up your identity in a relationship is a sure way of creating unhappiness. Your partner chose you for your unique qualities. Losing them would mean depriving your partner of what they liked about you in the first place. It won't make you happy to give up important parts of yourself and it will only make you that much less attractive to your partner.

The third secret of a successful relationship is mutual respect. There is no place in a healthy interaction for contempt, shaming or being dismissive toward one-another. As soon as any of these attitudes become part of the relationship, it's doomed. Both individuals must value their partner's needs, feelings, thoughts and dreams.

The fourth secret of success is trust. There can be no real intimacy without profound trust. This trust should be based, however, on both people demonstrating to each-other through their actions that they are trust-worthy. When you have seen that your partner means what they say and keeps their promises, and when they've seen the same in you, real trust can take place. This makes it possible for both of you to be vulnerable and yet safe.

The fifth secret of a good relationship is not to expect the other person to heal your emotional wounds. This means that as wonderful as love is, it isn't the cure for what ails you. It's your responsibility to work on whatever emotional baggage you might be carrying from your childhood or from previous relationships, as opposed to burdening your partner with this expectation.

Finally, the biggest secret of all: make your partner happy and they'll do everything they can to make you happy, too. There is an exception to this, however. Your partner must be emotionally healthy enough to reciprocate your love and attention. If you've been trying your best to make them happy and they aren't doing the same for you, it means that things will always be one-sided and that it's time to leave.

A successful romance is mainly a matter of common sense. Be realistic with your partner; stay true to yourselves; maintain your separate identities; be kind and generous and don't burden each-other with inappropriate expectations. When you come together as conscious, responsible adults with lots of love to give, you can't help but create a meaningful and satisfying union.

I'm willing to go out on a limb here and say that there isn't a person on the planet that doesn't have a desire of some kind. I'll even go out on another limb and state that every person on the planet has more than one desire at a time. Whether it's wanting more money, a new home, a relationship, more sleep, more love in the world or even a desire to laugh more in life, it's all about wanting something we don't have at the moment we are wanting it. Depending on any one person's circumstance, each desire can feel just as unattainable and create a feeling of frustration and/or hopelessness.

Here's the truth about desires; we will always have unfulfilled desires and it's because of that, you will continue to grow and expand in your life. Whenever you reach one place or fulfill one desire, you will then automatically find yourself moving to the next place with the next desire. There is nothing wrong with this. This is human nature and to find yourself in a place of having desires and having them fulfilled is exhilarating. It can almost become a game and there are a few rules, that when followed accordingly, can create the feeling of winning even before your desire has manifested.

Rule #1: When you're in a place with unfulfilled desires remember to not feel a sense of fear, anxiety, frustration or even impatience. Did I just hear a, "Yeah, right," with a tone of sarcasm in there? That's fine. I know how you feel. I've been there myself only to realize once I started playing by the Universe's rules and not my own, everything changed for me. You see it's those exact emotions that keep your desires from being fulfilled because you're not in a receiving place. It's not your job to figure out all the ways to get your desires fulfilled. It is your job to be very clear in asking for what you want and to trust with all your heart everything will come to you at the perfect time. When you get the urge to take an action toward fulfilling your desire that feels wonderful to you, then do so. But only if it feels right. Do not push action on yourself just because you think you should be doing something. That will only bring you more frustration and you won't have any fun in the process.

Rule #2: Focus on what is working in your life and feeling more of your true essence more often. Ask yourself anytime you're full of doubt and fear, "What is working?" Allow yourself to live on the outside, what really exists on the inside of your soul with your values, integrity and needs. Match your inside to your outside world so they become one and the same. Focus on what's true for you without the concern of what others may think. When you do these things you are becoming a vibrational match to everything that is rightfully yours just waiting to show up in your life which can ultimately feel like a miracle, fulfilling your desires in ways greater than you ever imagined possible.

Rule #3: Be aware of your thoughts. When you watch what pops up in your mind throughout the day about your desires you will begin to notice if you've got more negative chatter going on or more positive chatter. Or as I call it, your Gremlin or your Genie. Once there is an awareness of your thoughts your world can begin to change. In a heartbeat, you can change your thought and create it to be anything that makes you feel good. You can even take yourself on a mini vacation. Use your imagination to create a scene that you're in where you feel a sense of joy, fun, peace or calmness. Whatever you need at the time. Go there alone, so you don't have to pay attention to how anyone else is feeling or respond to what he or she may say. This is strictly for you and your well-being. You only need to go there for a very short time, just create change in your thought pattern and raise your vibration enough so you become aligned with what you're desiring by feeling good. When you feel a shift leave the scene and go about your day. You can do this many times throughout the day to create the shift you're wanting. I promise you, the more you do this, the less your Gremlin will show up, the better you'll feel and the quicker your desires get fulfilled.

Rule # 4: Although this rule is simple it tends to be the hardest to grasp at a cellular, all knowing level. Trust. Trust that all your desires have been heard and are in the process of being fulfilled. When your thoughts, feelings, words and actions are in alignment, your unfulfilled desires will be fulfilled faster than you can create a new desire.

Rule #5: This rule may be the most important rule of all. Live in gratitude for all that you have in life. No matter what is going on there is always something to be grateful for and the Universe responds so graciously to gratitude when it is authentic and heartfelt. I'm going to suggest that you create a gratitude journal and write in it everyday. It only takes a couple of minutes to come up with a few things to be grateful for each day and when you do this you'll open yourself up to receiving more and more things to thank the Universe for.

So embrace your unfulfilled desires and be willing, for the next 30 days, to play by these five rules and see what shows up differently for you. You may find certain desires getting fulfilled or maybe you'll feel lighter about life in general. Either way, if you don't give it a whirl you'll never know what could have been.

The starting point of all wealth creation is desire. That is having something to wake up for in the morning, something that keeps you awake in the day and something in your life that makes you stay hungry. Nature always wraps up in strong desires that something which knows nothing like impossible and accepts no such thing as thing as failure. Therefore in your quest for wealth creation, you first need to desire wealth before you create wealth. If you do not desire it you cannot have it.

Wishing is not the same thing as desiring. Your wish for wealth is not the same thing as your desire for wealth. They are quite different. When you desire wealth, you are willing to burn all bridges in your quest for wealth creation and cut off all sources of retreat. Wishing will never bring you wealth. Rather it is a burning desire that becomes an obsession which makes planning for the ways to acquire wealth possible and backed by persistence that makes wealth creation realizable. All those who have accumulated great wealth did some amount of day-dreaming, hoping, wishing, desiring and finally planning before they acquire their wealth. Note however that your desire for wealth alone will never bring you wealth. You need to back it up with faith and a belief that you can acquire it.

To create wealth in abundant quantity, you need to desire to be wealthy and to have it. It is your desires for wealth that will enable you identify the means of acquiring it. This world is filled with opportunities in wealth creation. The opportunities will not find you. Rather, you are the one to find the opportunities. Unless you desire wealth however, you cannot recognize the opportunities when they present themselves. It is only desire that can perform the impossible, even in wealth creation.

All men of abundant wealth in the world today are men of very, very strong desires for wealth. They did not just wish for wealth. They desire it and it became an obsession to them and they burnt all bridges of retreat in their quest to acquire their wealth. They never thought about failure, only success. And succeed they did. Think of the Bill Gates, the Donald Trumps, the Jerry Yangs, the Michael Dells, the Rockefellers etc.

Sex is an integral part of human relationships. It can be difficult when one partner has decreased libido and desire , and a lack of sex can put a damper on any relationship. While some people make a claim that sex is not important in a relationship, even the Christian bible speaks of sex as something that a man and wife must do to keep their relationship alive.With sex being such an important aspect of our relationships and marriages, it is important to explore the reasons why decreased libido and desire occurs so that a solution to the problem can be found.

Decreased Libido And Desire - Relationship Issues

A marriage is like a rollercoaster (as is any relationship), and there are ups and downs. You may go through a dry patch with your spouse where you do not make love as often as you used to. There may not be any medical cause for this decreased libido and desire but lifestyle or aging. If one spouse is working nights and the other is working days, that lifestyle may not be conducive to making love. This is even more so if you have children. Many married couples find it easy to be physically intimate after the children go to bed. If one spouse is working nights that often makes it impossible to find alone time to make love. In addition, aging is another very common cause of decreased libido and desire . As our bodies age the sex drive often decreases. Some people find taking medication helps them to remain active with their sexuality while others simply go with the natural changes in life.

There are other common and non medical causes for a decreased libido and desire . Having a baby can wreak havoc on a new mother's body image. If your wife does not feel comfortable in her own skin, it may be very difficult for her to make love to you. She feels different as her body has changed through childbirth, and she may be embarrassed or ashamed of her new body.

In addition, having a new baby means lack of sleep and added stress. If a husband and wife are exhausted and stressed out at the end of the day, sex is the last thing on their mind.

Finally, breastfeeding can also decrease libido and desire. A fun part of sex, the breasts, is now off limits. That can turn many men and women off. In addition, breastfeeding makes the walls of the vagina very smooth which can lead to painful sex. Even if the new mother does not suffer from a decreased libido and desire , she will most likely need lubricant to make sex comfortable for her.

Another common cause for decreased libido and desire is relationship blues. If one or both parties in the relationship are not happy, it is a high possibility that the sex drive will be very low or nonexistent. The key to having a healthy sex life is to have a healthy and happy relationship to begin with.

Decreased Libido And Desire - Medical And Drug Issues

Other common causes for decreased libido and desire stem from medical and drug issues. Certain illnesses and the medication that one must take with these illnesses can cause a decrease in sex drive. While this does not bother some people, if it is bothersome you may want to consult your caregiver to see if there is another medication you can take for your problem. Sometimes, however, the choice must be made between being healthy and well and not having a sex drive and having a sex drive but suffering from your illness. A caring partner should want you to make the former choice.

In addition to prescription drugs, illegal drugs—as well as alcohol—can cause a decreased libido and desire . Illegal drugs destroy your body and your function, so it is natural that excessive use of drugs like cocaine and heroin would decrease your sex drive. Some illegal substances have been known to enhance the sexual experience, but it is temporary and certainly not worth the long term risk of a decreased sex drive.

There are many reasons why you may experience a decreased libido and desire . If you are concerned, make an appointment with your caregiver to discuss your options for treatment.

There is a philosophy going around that if you desire something enough in a positive way, and you visualize it continually the universe will deliver the fruits of that desire.

There are some instances depicted where a man really wants something like a new sports car and he meditates on it (don't try this!), sees it in his minds eye, tries it out in his imagination, surrounds himself with picture of it, etc; and lo a behold this sports car manifests one day on the gross plane and he is able to possess the object of his desire. Of course possessing the object of your material desire does not give you happiness. Does the universe fulfill all your desire secrets if the desires are strong enough?

There is an interesting word "synchronicity", which means that events that are not causally related (one event being the cause of the other) occur together by the action of some unknown (in this case the universe) factor. Sometimes we are speaking about someone else, and at the same time the person calls on the phone. That would be an example of synchronicity.

How to explain this through the lens of Vedic knowledge?

The universe is not unconscious nor it a big genie responding to everyone's wishes, nor is it impersonal energy responding to our mental energetic radiation! We know that behind all the universal functions there is Krishna as the creator, lawgiver, overseer, proprietor, universal Super soul, individual Super soul, etc. So, in other words "not a blade of grass moves without the will of the Supreme Personality of Godhead."

Also there are 33 million demigods who control the universe under Krishna's direction. So, why does it seem that when people desire things with great intensity and they meditate on the fruits of their desire, the universe responds to their desires? Srila Prabhupada explains this nicely in a purport:

And so, when the living entity is bewildered in his desires, the Lord allows him to fulfill those desires, but the Lord is never responsible for the actions and reactions of the particular situation, which may be desired. Being in a bewildered condition, therefore, the embodied soul identifies him with the circumstantial material body and becomes subjected to the temporary misery and happiness of life. The Lord is the constant companion of the living entity as Paramatma, or the Super soul, and therefore He can understand the desires of the individual soul, as one can smell the flavor of a flower by being near it. Desire is a subtle form of conditioning for the living entity. The Lord fulfills his desire, as he deserves: Man proposes and God disposes. The individual is not, therefore, omnipotent in fulfillinghis desires. The Lord, however, can fulfill all desires, and the Lord, being neutral to everyone, does not interfere with the desires of the minute independent living entities. Purport Bg 5.15

In other words if one is functioning under the laws of Karma one has a certain stock of good karma and a certain stock of bad karma. The good karma we can compare to a positive balance in our bank account. When we have a strong desire to buy something, at a certain point that desire motivates us to take the money out of our bank account so that we can purchase the item. In the same way when we have a strong desire to get something in this world, Krishna as the Super soul is aware of this, and this desire is fulfilled, if (and this is a big if) we have enough good karma in our bank account. Now, when we take the good karma out of our karmic bank account, the amount of good karma in our karmic bank account is reduced by the amount of the withdrawal. So after some time there will be no more good karma left and we can desire till the cow jumps over the moon, but there will be no response. What about the devotee's desires? A devotee has no bad or good karma.

All karma bad and good is eradicated even by namabhasa chanting. Krishna reciprocates with devotee's desires, but he will only fulfill those desires that are helpful to the devotee's spiritual progress. So, it is important for devotees to have proper desires and the stronger the devotional desire is the quicker that desire will be fulfilled.

What is a desire? A desire is something you really want with your heart and soul. Of course there are degrees of intensity of desires. When someone wants something with great intensity that is called intense greed. Prabhupada describes this intense greed for pure devotional service as the "best path available."

How do we develop this intense greed? In the material world greed is developed by the process of thinking, feeling and willing. In other words we think of something (take some food like pizza for example). The more we think about that sense object the more we get attached to it. Then we begin to feel that object of our senses. In the case of pizza we begin to salivate and almost taste it as we are visualizing our interacting with that object. Then the stage of willing comes where the desire is so intense, we act.

If we are negative we are meditating on a negative and this is what we will get-a negative. In other words if we are contemplating giving up this or not thinking about that we will develop a stronger attachment to this or that by that negative contemplation.

After contemplation of Krishna in a positive way we enter the stage of feelings. What does that mean? We picture ourselves the way we want to be.

We need to develop an intense internal vision and an intense external (the entire world taking up Krishna consciousness) vision of Krishna consciousness. These wishes will come true. Krishna will fulfill them. When our meditation/vision is harmonious with Krishna's desires, success is sure.